Being in the Church

I’ve been mulling over a few things for a while now. Too deep to not finally at last address.
 
I went to a prayer meeting where I discovered I have something I need to take care of with grief recovery (which I’m not looking forward to). In this process they had worship too. It was a new church, but not really a new setting to me. As I’ve been to loads of types of churches, I wasn’t uncomfortable, that is until my cousin said to me “I feel the spirit wants you to get up, dance, give thanks, and confirmation of what you received.” As much as I love my cousin, and believe she’s close to God, my spirit wasn’t saying that. In fact I felt sick to my stomach and terrified at the very thought of it. This of course drew all the attention in the room to little ol me. JOY! Needless to say, this not only made me very uncomfortable, but very embarrassed. I buried myself in the spirit, and continued praying. The pastors at the church told me, a prophet needs a covering. Thus (as I have been lectured countless times) I should be in church, it’s a dangerous life I am leading. I am not a person who believes people HAVE to be in church to either worship, learn, praise, or give thanks to God. Ministry services are ALL OVER the internet, from youtube, to Godtube, and even most churches. I am not at a loss when seeking the church.
 
After I got home, I spoke with my brother and my aunt. My brother past on some interesting advice from his pastor. He said his pastor said that those without a church are like a lion seeking its prey from a herd. The lion will go after the weakest cattle, that which strays from the pack. The one that is alone is the easiest to attack. This was fascinating to me, as I never thought of it that way. It’s a great example, and a powerful way to force people into church. However, I choose to believe, that not all people, or cattle that stray from the herd are weak. Some are faster, stronger, and need to be on their own. Sometimes they come back to the herd, but sometimes they don’t. I don’t feel that the church that is for me, is a church where my family is. As much as I love my family, I could never feel comfortable in the house of God with them again. Growing up with family, you get to see the inner most of their beings, and though God has forgiven them, and I have, it doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten, or ever will, and it’s that sin, that causes me to be uncomfortable in a place of worship. No one is perfect, but everyone seems to think of me as a priest, and confesses things I wish I never knew. How can I take a sponge to my brain?
 
I shared with my aunt about my cousin saying how the spirit wanted me to do one thing but my spirit was saying another. I wasn’t exactly saying my cousin was wrong, just I was not lead in that direction. I told her I was raised in a prim and proper church, and it’s against my nature to stand up, and wail about with my arms in the air. I’ve only done that when in my own home in deep worship/praise or warfare. I told her, when I’m in the presence of God and others, I feel… reserved, not like myself at all. And anyone who knows me will tell you, I’m the center of attention even without trying. I have always radiated joy wherever I go, and if you saw any of my baby pictures you would see, I am ALWAYS laughing. (Kinda odd I think lol.) When I shared this with my aunt, she started to argue, that when I got saved the old washed away, and I shouldn’t be as I once was, as that was wrong. But upon explaining fully to her, she realized, that when she is in church, she is the exact opposite of what she is anywhere else. Just as I had explained I was. She said, that must be how God balances us out. In the spirit we are opposite. I feel as though, I was a heathen as a child, and when in church, God calms me down. I’m in awe of his glory, and blessed by all he has done for me. I was raised to respect authority, and I know no other authority higher then God, that I should sit, and praise respectfully. Right or wrong, that is how my spirit feels. And I know when it’s not in my heart, and it’s in my stomach, that its wrong. When my cousin said stand up and dance, it was in my stomach, not my heart.
 
So I close with a reminder, don’t let anyone push you to do something you aren’t comfortable doing. The spirit will guide you, if you let it.
 
Disclaimer, this is not written to encourage anyone to leave their church, or change their method of behavior in church. This is written because I had to.
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